Yes, it is true...my beloved friend and associate and I are sometimes bullying victims as well. Not in the sense that you might think. Allow me to explain.
Bullying is rife in our society. I have been involved in this fight since 2011 - my knowledge on the subject is vast and deep, I can say the same of my associate. We are also legal practitioners, with specific skills and knowledge afforded to us through studies and practice. This is by no means an ego trip - it is fact.
We work very hard, every day to help people work through their pain, to ensure that bad things do not happen again, to share our knowledge, to make a difference. We are in the industry of service delivery, of course. We aim to please. Of course. How far does this go?
We get bullied by people often in terms of our service, our know how and our position on certain aspects of law, bullying and such. We are by no means victims - we do not sit back and take it, no, but people still feel that they have the right to be mean, that you are in their service and that you owe them.
People often ask us for help and advice not wanting to pay anything. We are not in the business of daylight robbery. But we can't work on a no pay basis either. People become rude. We do not only offer our expertise, we offer our time. People suck up and steal this without thinking twice. We try as best we can to stay friendly and professional - amidst people wanting more, asking more questions, leeching up our most precious possession: intellectual property.
We cannot save the whole world - we cannot answer every question. We aren't robots. You aren't the only person out there. We have families and other obligations as well. I am not on call 24/7, neither is my associate. Not for No More Bullies, Mediation Corner or personal leeching or legal advice.
If you contact me with regard to a problem, be nice. You can also be a little patient. Don't be a bully. We don't do instant gratification - we do our utmost best to help everyone in the best and most professional way we can.
If for some reason you can not do this - please feel free to contact someone else. It is my personal position that I will not have a lower quality life just to assist more bullies :)
In closing: be nice, set the example...you can't contact me about bullying and end up bullying me, or call me a friend and try to bulldoze me or guilt trip me into a corner to help you - that is not friendship.
“But remember, boy, that a kind act can sometimes be as powerful as a sword.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
Tuesday 20 May 2014
Wednesday 14 May 2014
Happy endings/happy new beginnings - it is possible
Society as it stands revel in the downfall of "bad guys", "celebs" and people we deem "had it coming"...but we are also suckers for an underdog. We thrive on stories of someone who fell down and got back up again. Trust me, I have tried to understand this, but I do not.
The story I am about to tell you, is the reason why I embarked on my journey with bullying - my cousin who got bullied. I am now going to tell you his story, and what has since happened. For the sake of privacy, I am not mentioning any names, as the parties involved are minors.
When he was in Grade 2 (about 8 years of age), a new kid came into his school. This kid was physically big and very strong. At first they were friends, but then this kid became nasty and my cousin did not want to be his friend any longer. The kid would hide my cousin's belongings at first, but it escalated to him pushing and shoving and ultimately pushing my cousin off of steps and other objects. He would also grab my cousin's book-bag and shove it in the garbage bin. My cousin had physical bruising caused by this kid pushing him off the walkway. It had also happened that he slammed my cousin's head into a wall so hard that my cousin had a concussion.
Their teacher made it worse by reprimanding my cousin, telling him it must be his fault, he is the one looking for trouble with this child. The kid was labelled as a bully but nothing was ever done because "he's just a bully".
My aunt moved him to a private school to give him self confidence and moved him to another public school in Grade 4. Everything went well for the first term, until this specific kid was also transferred there. He was expelled from the previous school due to his bullying behaviour and thus him and my cousin were in the same school yet again. According to my aunt, it was a rough year, but somehow, they made it through.
In Grade 5 (where he is now about 10-11 years old), my cousin developed an intense school phobia. He refused to go to school. Another child in his school had a physical disability (something to do with his hands and feet), but he is fiercely strong [he hit another learner so hard that he had to get stitches in his mouth]. This kid surrounded himself with a gang of friends who made my cousin's life a misery. The teachers refused to address the matter and said: "Yes, this child is a problem, but he has a disability, what can we do?" After which the principal decided my cousin is the actual problem because he doesn't have enough life skills. My cousin was then sent to an educational psychologist. He was then put on anti-depressants and after 6 months of therapy my aunt could get him to go to school.
In Grade 6 (11-12 years old) the teachers decided that my cousin was the instigator and bully all along and treated him as such, giving him a lot of problems.
Due to the fact that my aunt and uncle were constantly in the principal's office trying to address these problems, the teachers took it upon themselves to administer very strict discipline upon my cousin, giving him demerits for things like walking into the class last, looking around in class, work not done fast enough, anything they deemed fit. The teachers also refused to listen to any of his problems.
One day during break time, my cousin phoned my aunt, exasperated because nobody wanted to help him and because there was a child following him, wanting to beat him. He subsequently got caught and my aunt was asked to the principal's office. My aunt notes that she totally lost her temper that day and finally got some results. The teacher had to apologize to my cousin. What happened was, one boy and his friend cornered my cousin and my cousin defended himself, the two boys got a bit of a beating because my cousin had a lot of pent up anger.
In another instance, a kid slapped my cousin because he wanted to break up a fight. He then returned the slap and the school allowed the child who slapped's father to reprimand my cousin without my aunt's knowledge or her being present.
With many emotional and physical scars - he made it through primary school.
Then, they moved to a new town. He started over. In a new high school.
Four months into his high school career (he is turning 14 in a week or so), and he is a totally changed person. My aunt says that he has his teenager tantrums and normal boyish things, however; he is so much more alive and so grown up. Of the boy of about 10/11 that wanted to commit suicide, because life was too much and too hard and too bad to handle, there is no trace.
He has a large group of friends who stand up for him when others try to break him down and he himself is not afraid to stand up for himself, or others. His principal has also mentioned that it takes guts to walk into a principal's office, asking for help (which my cousin has done). He doesn't ask my aunt and uncle for help in solving his school problems - he solves them himself.
Funny enough, there was a guy who wanted to beat him because he is popular among the lady folk at school, and very calmly, my cousin sat him down, and told him, that they really could be friends, if it weren't for this guy's bad attitude - and he shouldn't blame it on his bad circumstances at home, it is his choice to rise above it. They shook hands after parting ways.
My aunt notes that he has so much self-confidence that she can almost not believe it is the same boy that suffered for 6 years. He now has more life skills than many adults will ever have. For the first time ever, my cousin is proud of his school.
Yes, it can get better - the only way out, is through. Cuz, I am SO SO very proud of you - because of YOU, No More Bullies came to be. I knew you would stand up. You are a perfect example of courage, perseverance and inner strength, even at the age of almost 14. You make me proud, young man. Great things await you.
The story I am about to tell you, is the reason why I embarked on my journey with bullying - my cousin who got bullied. I am now going to tell you his story, and what has since happened. For the sake of privacy, I am not mentioning any names, as the parties involved are minors.
When he was in Grade 2 (about 8 years of age), a new kid came into his school. This kid was physically big and very strong. At first they were friends, but then this kid became nasty and my cousin did not want to be his friend any longer. The kid would hide my cousin's belongings at first, but it escalated to him pushing and shoving and ultimately pushing my cousin off of steps and other objects. He would also grab my cousin's book-bag and shove it in the garbage bin. My cousin had physical bruising caused by this kid pushing him off the walkway. It had also happened that he slammed my cousin's head into a wall so hard that my cousin had a concussion.
Their teacher made it worse by reprimanding my cousin, telling him it must be his fault, he is the one looking for trouble with this child. The kid was labelled as a bully but nothing was ever done because "he's just a bully".
My aunt moved him to a private school to give him self confidence and moved him to another public school in Grade 4. Everything went well for the first term, until this specific kid was also transferred there. He was expelled from the previous school due to his bullying behaviour and thus him and my cousin were in the same school yet again. According to my aunt, it was a rough year, but somehow, they made it through.
In Grade 5 (where he is now about 10-11 years old), my cousin developed an intense school phobia. He refused to go to school. Another child in his school had a physical disability (something to do with his hands and feet), but he is fiercely strong [he hit another learner so hard that he had to get stitches in his mouth]. This kid surrounded himself with a gang of friends who made my cousin's life a misery. The teachers refused to address the matter and said: "Yes, this child is a problem, but he has a disability, what can we do?" After which the principal decided my cousin is the actual problem because he doesn't have enough life skills. My cousin was then sent to an educational psychologist. He was then put on anti-depressants and after 6 months of therapy my aunt could get him to go to school.
In Grade 6 (11-12 years old) the teachers decided that my cousin was the instigator and bully all along and treated him as such, giving him a lot of problems.
Due to the fact that my aunt and uncle were constantly in the principal's office trying to address these problems, the teachers took it upon themselves to administer very strict discipline upon my cousin, giving him demerits for things like walking into the class last, looking around in class, work not done fast enough, anything they deemed fit. The teachers also refused to listen to any of his problems.
One day during break time, my cousin phoned my aunt, exasperated because nobody wanted to help him and because there was a child following him, wanting to beat him. He subsequently got caught and my aunt was asked to the principal's office. My aunt notes that she totally lost her temper that day and finally got some results. The teacher had to apologize to my cousin. What happened was, one boy and his friend cornered my cousin and my cousin defended himself, the two boys got a bit of a beating because my cousin had a lot of pent up anger.
In another instance, a kid slapped my cousin because he wanted to break up a fight. He then returned the slap and the school allowed the child who slapped's father to reprimand my cousin without my aunt's knowledge or her being present.
With many emotional and physical scars - he made it through primary school.
Then, they moved to a new town. He started over. In a new high school.
Four months into his high school career (he is turning 14 in a week or so), and he is a totally changed person. My aunt says that he has his teenager tantrums and normal boyish things, however; he is so much more alive and so grown up. Of the boy of about 10/11 that wanted to commit suicide, because life was too much and too hard and too bad to handle, there is no trace.
He has a large group of friends who stand up for him when others try to break him down and he himself is not afraid to stand up for himself, or others. His principal has also mentioned that it takes guts to walk into a principal's office, asking for help (which my cousin has done). He doesn't ask my aunt and uncle for help in solving his school problems - he solves them himself.
Funny enough, there was a guy who wanted to beat him because he is popular among the lady folk at school, and very calmly, my cousin sat him down, and told him, that they really could be friends, if it weren't for this guy's bad attitude - and he shouldn't blame it on his bad circumstances at home, it is his choice to rise above it. They shook hands after parting ways.
My aunt notes that he has so much self-confidence that she can almost not believe it is the same boy that suffered for 6 years. He now has more life skills than many adults will ever have. For the first time ever, my cousin is proud of his school.
Yes, it can get better - the only way out, is through. Cuz, I am SO SO very proud of you - because of YOU, No More Bullies came to be. I knew you would stand up. You are a perfect example of courage, perseverance and inner strength, even at the age of almost 14. You make me proud, young man. Great things await you.
Tuesday 6 May 2014
Bully beat down - why this is wrong
You have been bullied, humiliated and broken down. So what now? If offered the chance of revenge on your bully - would you take it? Why, or why not?
Your emotions are normal, justifiable and nobody discounts the fact that what happened to you was wrong and unjust. Nobody has the right to bully or humiliate another person. What separates us though, is how we react to circumstances or things that happen to us.
I firmly believe that two wrongs don't make a right.
Here are my two cents on the matter of bullying the bully:
Generally our society is very adversarial and focused on punishment. This is all fair and well but this shifts the focus from the victim to the offender. My question is thus - what about the victim? What about what the victim wants? What about the feelings of the victims? Why are we so bent on punishing the offenders that we totally discard reparation of the person that got hurt?
We need a lot more victim centered methods of addressing violence. We need approaches that are not underpinned by vengeance but rather vindication. Why? Because YOU as a victim deserve to heal. YOU deserve to move on. By harboring all that pain, resentment, guilt and negative feelings you do not heal or move on. Those feelings are not addressed through adversarial methods or by "bullying back your bully" - you might feel good for a moment, but it doesn't solve the problem in the long run. It will not take away what was done to you, it does NOT address the past.
So what addresses the past? Why do I hammer on the past? I am not a spoil sport, I am a big advocate for making a clean break and starting on a clean slate. How do you do this? By letting go of excess baggage. If you open up a dialogue or conversation with your bully for example, you can start this process. How does this work? One example of this is a victim impact panel or statement. What is this? You tell the bully how his or her actions made you feel. You tell the bully how his or her actions have impacted upon your life. The aim of this is twofold: first and foremost to assist your emotional recovery, for you to "download" your feelings. Second of all the bully needs to hear firsthand from you, why his or her actions were wrong and what impact these actions have and may have if continued. If this is too traumatic you could also record your statement or write it down to send it to the bully.
Why? Because the bully needs a firsthand account of the impact of his or her bullying behaviour. Why? Because he or she might end up at the receiving end and how would that feel? Moral responsibility is something that comes at a price for some people - after transgressing upon the dignity of others.
There are some instances where the bullying could have been very severe or traumatizing and you may feel that by engaging with the bully, you will be traumatized again - this is normal, and it is okay to be afraid. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. What you shouldn't do, is address your feelings in a negative manner (i.e a "bully beat down" or revenge, or trying to ignore underlying feelings or emotions that were caused by the bullying incident). There are other ways in which this can be dealt with either through counseling, getting involved with programmes that help other bullying victims (this is aimed at vindication - where you get to see how others heal and you can heal yourself also), conversations and dialogues with various people and perhaps you can even talk to your bully one day (still - it is up to you, of course) :)
Now, let me get into the whole issue of vengeance versus vindication. When you are vindicated, you get to walk away, no strings, no mess, no fuss. When you seek revenge, there will be consequences, sometimes physical, psychological and more often than not legal too. Does this seem fair? No, not really. Who started all of this? The bully - of course! Who finished it? You did. Why? Because you wanted to let the bully know that you are not weak, that you will not stand for his/her disrespect, that you have had it with their maltreatment and that you are taking a stand. These are honorable reasons - but you could have approached it differently. You see, vengeance and vindication are NOT the same thing. You should seek vindication rather than vengeance. You shouldn't seek to stoop to the level of your persecutors to prove a point but rather aim to help them up on to your level because the view is much nicer. Do it not for the bully, but for yourself, because YOU deserve better!
Bullying someone is never OK - bullying someone back is even worse, because you as a victim ought to know better. You as a victim ought to be a voice for the voiceless and you should take a positive stand, one which is void of violence.
Why is a bully beat down wrong?
Because it turns the victim into a bully, and the cycle goes on...it doesn't address the issue and the violence continues. Ask yourself, do you want to be that person? Or do you want to set the example?
Your emotions are normal, justifiable and nobody discounts the fact that what happened to you was wrong and unjust. Nobody has the right to bully or humiliate another person. What separates us though, is how we react to circumstances or things that happen to us.
I firmly believe that two wrongs don't make a right.
Here are my two cents on the matter of bullying the bully:
Generally our society is very adversarial and focused on punishment. This is all fair and well but this shifts the focus from the victim to the offender. My question is thus - what about the victim? What about what the victim wants? What about the feelings of the victims? Why are we so bent on punishing the offenders that we totally discard reparation of the person that got hurt?
We need a lot more victim centered methods of addressing violence. We need approaches that are not underpinned by vengeance but rather vindication. Why? Because YOU as a victim deserve to heal. YOU deserve to move on. By harboring all that pain, resentment, guilt and negative feelings you do not heal or move on. Those feelings are not addressed through adversarial methods or by "bullying back your bully" - you might feel good for a moment, but it doesn't solve the problem in the long run. It will not take away what was done to you, it does NOT address the past.
So what addresses the past? Why do I hammer on the past? I am not a spoil sport, I am a big advocate for making a clean break and starting on a clean slate. How do you do this? By letting go of excess baggage. If you open up a dialogue or conversation with your bully for example, you can start this process. How does this work? One example of this is a victim impact panel or statement. What is this? You tell the bully how his or her actions made you feel. You tell the bully how his or her actions have impacted upon your life. The aim of this is twofold: first and foremost to assist your emotional recovery, for you to "download" your feelings. Second of all the bully needs to hear firsthand from you, why his or her actions were wrong and what impact these actions have and may have if continued. If this is too traumatic you could also record your statement or write it down to send it to the bully.
Why? Because the bully needs a firsthand account of the impact of his or her bullying behaviour. Why? Because he or she might end up at the receiving end and how would that feel? Moral responsibility is something that comes at a price for some people - after transgressing upon the dignity of others.
There are some instances where the bullying could have been very severe or traumatizing and you may feel that by engaging with the bully, you will be traumatized again - this is normal, and it is okay to be afraid. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. What you shouldn't do, is address your feelings in a negative manner (i.e a "bully beat down" or revenge, or trying to ignore underlying feelings or emotions that were caused by the bullying incident). There are other ways in which this can be dealt with either through counseling, getting involved with programmes that help other bullying victims (this is aimed at vindication - where you get to see how others heal and you can heal yourself also), conversations and dialogues with various people and perhaps you can even talk to your bully one day (still - it is up to you, of course) :)
Now, let me get into the whole issue of vengeance versus vindication. When you are vindicated, you get to walk away, no strings, no mess, no fuss. When you seek revenge, there will be consequences, sometimes physical, psychological and more often than not legal too. Does this seem fair? No, not really. Who started all of this? The bully - of course! Who finished it? You did. Why? Because you wanted to let the bully know that you are not weak, that you will not stand for his/her disrespect, that you have had it with their maltreatment and that you are taking a stand. These are honorable reasons - but you could have approached it differently. You see, vengeance and vindication are NOT the same thing. You should seek vindication rather than vengeance. You shouldn't seek to stoop to the level of your persecutors to prove a point but rather aim to help them up on to your level because the view is much nicer. Do it not for the bully, but for yourself, because YOU deserve better!
Bullying someone is never OK - bullying someone back is even worse, because you as a victim ought to know better. You as a victim ought to be a voice for the voiceless and you should take a positive stand, one which is void of violence.
Why is a bully beat down wrong?
Because it turns the victim into a bully, and the cycle goes on...it doesn't address the issue and the violence continues. Ask yourself, do you want to be that person? Or do you want to set the example?
Saturday 3 May 2014
Momzillas - before you HULK smash, read here!
You pick up your beautiful child from school only to find him or her less chirpy than usual. Being the amazing parent that you are, you start to gently poke and prod as to what is going on, only to find out that someone, some vile creature, is bullying, no, tormenting, assaulting, your sweet angel. What now? You swear revenge on this louse of course! Nobody dare lay a hand or vile tongue on YOUR baby, no sir. Come the next school day, you wait at the school (you carefully extracted a description of the horrible bully from your darling child) for this bully. Oh, you're going to give this kid a piece of your mind!! Nobody, and you mean nobody will pester your child. You're a good mom and you will not let anybody get away with something so vile. No sir. So you wait, until you spot the perpetrator. You give this little punk a piece of your mind and tell him to never lay a hand on your precious child ever again...or else!
[This child is 9 years old, you are 35] now, what do you think is wrong with this picture? Let me tell you: everything...
First and foremost, I understand the heartache, anger, hurt and frustration parents feel when their children are bullied. I myself do not have children yet but I do have empathy. My own little cousin, as well as my brother were victims of bullying. Every time I am contacted by a mother or a father, I feel these emotions - because no child should be bullied, NO ONE.
We live in a society where violence is the norm - physical, emotional, psychological and verbal violence. People do not check themselves before acting, doing, speaking. Everything goes. This is something we need to address. As adults and as parents, we need to be the ones to take the lead.
Schools in South Africa and the culture within schools are less than desirable, for various reasons. However, it is not an unsolvable problem. Parents can be part of the change and it is not as hard as it may seem. But why should I? Why shouldn't you, you brought your child into this world, it is your responsibility to mold him or her into a morally upstanding citizen, no?
Adults should start modelling proper behaviour. We should start by not being violent in front of children. How? STOP gossiping, STOP swearing, STOP shouting, STOP arguing, STOP putting others down, STOP being negative, STOP getting physical - in front of your child, you are poisoning your child.
How does this relate to giving a bully some of his or her own medicine? Let us dissect the incident real quick. Bullying is all about a power imbalance. A 35 year old scolding a 9 year old in front of others [this person not being his mother] comes down to a power imbalance. Sounds like bullying to me? What would that teach your own child? It teaches your child that it is fair and well to bully your way to a solution. Instead of opening up a proper dialogue or conversation which to my mind makes more sense, you choose to play Rambo and act like a bull in a china shop (which I also have empathy for - but it doesn't make it right). When you are a parent, you have little eyes on you, constantly watching you, learning from what you do, what you say and how you say it. Do you really want your child to sponge up all your bad habits? Do you really want your child to bully others because you can't contain yourself? OF COURSE NOT! That is why you should learn a few skills.
Learn to breathe, yes, breathe...when you are confronted with a situation where your child is being bullied, take a few deep breaths...concentrate on your breathing. For example, when you breathe in, tell yourself, "I am breathing in", when you are exhaling, tell yourself "I am exhaling". This refocuses your mind on your breathing in stead of the incident.
Learn to be solution focused rather than vengeance focused. People are wired differently, some are emotional, some are solvers, some are thinkers - but something that unites most are children. When children get hurt, the ugly comes out. You need to rewire yourself to be focused on a solution to the problem that will benefit your child, NOT in revenge or "teaching that damn bully a lesson", the latter is aimed at venting YOUR frustration, it has nothing to do with your child. Something constructive is in order, something your child can also learn from.
Let us also look at how this may affect that "damned bully" you so courageously reprimanded, shall we? This particular child is now a victim of bullying, you successfully gave him some of his own medicine. He is now a victim. This may have the implication that you as an adult can be held accountable for a myriad of things on a legal basis because you should conduct yourself as an adult, not a schoolyard bully.
How will this affect your child? He will be victimized by others because his mom is a bully.
So what am I saying - don't react? Of course not. I am saying, be smart about it. Calm down before you react. Get the full story from your child, with all the details. Contact the school - YES, you SHOULD, nobody likes a vigilante - leave that to the comic books. Make an appointment and go see his teacher or the principal. They are obliged to address the issue. If they do not, there are other channels you can go through. For more info on this, you can contact me.
Always, ALWAYS remember that you have little eyes on you - your child is watching you! Don't be a bully - be a solver :)
- Annelie -
[This child is 9 years old, you are 35] now, what do you think is wrong with this picture? Let me tell you: everything...
First and foremost, I understand the heartache, anger, hurt and frustration parents feel when their children are bullied. I myself do not have children yet but I do have empathy. My own little cousin, as well as my brother were victims of bullying. Every time I am contacted by a mother or a father, I feel these emotions - because no child should be bullied, NO ONE.
We live in a society where violence is the norm - physical, emotional, psychological and verbal violence. People do not check themselves before acting, doing, speaking. Everything goes. This is something we need to address. As adults and as parents, we need to be the ones to take the lead.
Schools in South Africa and the culture within schools are less than desirable, for various reasons. However, it is not an unsolvable problem. Parents can be part of the change and it is not as hard as it may seem. But why should I? Why shouldn't you, you brought your child into this world, it is your responsibility to mold him or her into a morally upstanding citizen, no?
Adults should start modelling proper behaviour. We should start by not being violent in front of children. How? STOP gossiping, STOP swearing, STOP shouting, STOP arguing, STOP putting others down, STOP being negative, STOP getting physical - in front of your child, you are poisoning your child.
How does this relate to giving a bully some of his or her own medicine? Let us dissect the incident real quick. Bullying is all about a power imbalance. A 35 year old scolding a 9 year old in front of others [this person not being his mother] comes down to a power imbalance. Sounds like bullying to me? What would that teach your own child? It teaches your child that it is fair and well to bully your way to a solution. Instead of opening up a proper dialogue or conversation which to my mind makes more sense, you choose to play Rambo and act like a bull in a china shop (which I also have empathy for - but it doesn't make it right). When you are a parent, you have little eyes on you, constantly watching you, learning from what you do, what you say and how you say it. Do you really want your child to sponge up all your bad habits? Do you really want your child to bully others because you can't contain yourself? OF COURSE NOT! That is why you should learn a few skills.
Learn to breathe, yes, breathe...when you are confronted with a situation where your child is being bullied, take a few deep breaths...concentrate on your breathing. For example, when you breathe in, tell yourself, "I am breathing in", when you are exhaling, tell yourself "I am exhaling". This refocuses your mind on your breathing in stead of the incident.
Learn to be solution focused rather than vengeance focused. People are wired differently, some are emotional, some are solvers, some are thinkers - but something that unites most are children. When children get hurt, the ugly comes out. You need to rewire yourself to be focused on a solution to the problem that will benefit your child, NOT in revenge or "teaching that damn bully a lesson", the latter is aimed at venting YOUR frustration, it has nothing to do with your child. Something constructive is in order, something your child can also learn from.
Let us also look at how this may affect that "damned bully" you so courageously reprimanded, shall we? This particular child is now a victim of bullying, you successfully gave him some of his own medicine. He is now a victim. This may have the implication that you as an adult can be held accountable for a myriad of things on a legal basis because you should conduct yourself as an adult, not a schoolyard bully.
How will this affect your child? He will be victimized by others because his mom is a bully.
So what am I saying - don't react? Of course not. I am saying, be smart about it. Calm down before you react. Get the full story from your child, with all the details. Contact the school - YES, you SHOULD, nobody likes a vigilante - leave that to the comic books. Make an appointment and go see his teacher or the principal. They are obliged to address the issue. If they do not, there are other channels you can go through. For more info on this, you can contact me.
Always, ALWAYS remember that you have little eyes on you - your child is watching you! Don't be a bully - be a solver :)
- Annelie -
Tuesday 20 August 2013
Excuse my anger
Restorative Justice teaches us that vengeance and vindication are not similar terms. It teaches us that even though a person should be held accountable for his deeds, it is a shift from punitive (punishment) to restorative (restoring the status quo) mind frames.
Excuse my anger and excuse the fact that I am pissed off today at people in general who fluff up wrong doing. I absolutely believe in restorative justice, however I also believe that people, especially adults should take responsibility for their actions. Are adults not the parents who raise children who can either excel, or tumble?
It is my firm belief that a person is a victim up to a point. I am not ignorant to pain and psychological suffering, I do however believe that it becomes a choice at some point, you can choose to address it, to work at it, to better yourself, to take control over your own life.
Excuse me for being angry at people who are horribly mean and hurt others and then make excuses. There is no excuse. In terms of a child, who may or may not know better, I would say that there can be exceptions, because, children take direction from adults. So why then, should I sympathize with people (ADULTS) who do not care about the filth they spew onto others? If someone angers you, talk to them, not about them. If you are mad at someone, do not think of every horrible name, derogatory word or fault they may have to sling at them. Be an adult and talk like an adult. Take responsibility.
My associate and I work SO hard to better this world. We work with children, educators, parents and society. No matter how hard we work, or how much effort we put in, it means nothing, if people do not change their attitude, or be careful of what they say. Then all the sweat and tears in the world, won't fix a thing.
Excuse me, for being angry.
Excuse my anger and excuse the fact that I am pissed off today at people in general who fluff up wrong doing. I absolutely believe in restorative justice, however I also believe that people, especially adults should take responsibility for their actions. Are adults not the parents who raise children who can either excel, or tumble?
It is my firm belief that a person is a victim up to a point. I am not ignorant to pain and psychological suffering, I do however believe that it becomes a choice at some point, you can choose to address it, to work at it, to better yourself, to take control over your own life.
Excuse me for being angry at people who are horribly mean and hurt others and then make excuses. There is no excuse. In terms of a child, who may or may not know better, I would say that there can be exceptions, because, children take direction from adults. So why then, should I sympathize with people (ADULTS) who do not care about the filth they spew onto others? If someone angers you, talk to them, not about them. If you are mad at someone, do not think of every horrible name, derogatory word or fault they may have to sling at them. Be an adult and talk like an adult. Take responsibility.
My associate and I work SO hard to better this world. We work with children, educators, parents and society. No matter how hard we work, or how much effort we put in, it means nothing, if people do not change their attitude, or be careful of what they say. Then all the sweat and tears in the world, won't fix a thing.
Excuse me, for being angry.
Wednesday 14 August 2013
Bullying redefined
Greetings,
Bullying is a difficult concept to define. Scholars such as Dan Olweus define it as being repeatedly exposed to negative actions where the victim has difficulty or trouble defending him or herself. Others include more details including nitpicking, social exclusion, spreading of rumors, physical fighting, emotional abuse, etc. However, bullying may also be active, as well as passive. Bullying may be constant as well as a single incident. Bullying is hard to define. I firmly believe that if you feel defiled, harmed or wronged, it can constituted bullying. However, this yardstick could be abused, if perused from a legal point of view. From a personal point of view though, who knows better the effect of words and actions than the victim?
People easily lash out at others, seldom thinking about the consequences. This, I believe also constitutes bullying, irrespective of age. Should you stand up and fight? Should you walk away? Circumstances generally dictate your reaction. Should you lose a battle to win a war? I would say so. It is not always necessary to have the last word. It is not always necessary to fight, it is very important, however, to let people understand that you are to be respected.
Bullies walk among us, be they five years old, or 55. Some people outgrow it, others sadly do not. I always ask, WHY they bully, what triggers bullying behavior? In upcoming blog posts, NMB will delve deeper into these questions. For now, I leave you with something to think about:
Bullying as a concept is as easy to define as it is to nail jelly to a tree. It is equally difficult to pinpoint the exact root of the problem in the bully, as there are various possible causes. Therefore it is my opinion that to bully a bully, serves no purpose but to escalate the problem. Bullying needs a new fresh definition, with a new fresh perspective.
-A-
Bullying is a difficult concept to define. Scholars such as Dan Olweus define it as being repeatedly exposed to negative actions where the victim has difficulty or trouble defending him or herself. Others include more details including nitpicking, social exclusion, spreading of rumors, physical fighting, emotional abuse, etc. However, bullying may also be active, as well as passive. Bullying may be constant as well as a single incident. Bullying is hard to define. I firmly believe that if you feel defiled, harmed or wronged, it can constituted bullying. However, this yardstick could be abused, if perused from a legal point of view. From a personal point of view though, who knows better the effect of words and actions than the victim?
People easily lash out at others, seldom thinking about the consequences. This, I believe also constitutes bullying, irrespective of age. Should you stand up and fight? Should you walk away? Circumstances generally dictate your reaction. Should you lose a battle to win a war? I would say so. It is not always necessary to have the last word. It is not always necessary to fight, it is very important, however, to let people understand that you are to be respected.
Bullies walk among us, be they five years old, or 55. Some people outgrow it, others sadly do not. I always ask, WHY they bully, what triggers bullying behavior? In upcoming blog posts, NMB will delve deeper into these questions. For now, I leave you with something to think about:
Bullying as a concept is as easy to define as it is to nail jelly to a tree. It is equally difficult to pinpoint the exact root of the problem in the bully, as there are various possible causes. Therefore it is my opinion that to bully a bully, serves no purpose but to escalate the problem. Bullying needs a new fresh definition, with a new fresh perspective.
-A-
Tuesday 20 December 2011
UBUNTU
What is UBUNTU, and why is it relevant to bullying?
Archbishop Desmond Tutu defines UBUNTU as:
"A person with Ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, based from a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed."
The philosophy of UBUNTU places a very high value on human life and promotes mutual understanding rather than punishment, reconciliation rather than estrangement, moving away from confrontation, but rather embracing mediation.
Think of it this way: My pain, is your pain, your wealth is my wealth. Your dignity is dependant upon my dignity and vice versa.
UBUNTU is a core value, around which a solid structure of morals can be built. When we instill this as a core value within children, bullying will ultimately disappear. For it takes one spark to ignite a fire.
This is why UBUNTU is important and relevant to bullying and ultimately eradicating bullying, because healing starts from within. You don't just put a bandage over a wound without examining it first, hoping it merely goes away.
Advocacy work and education in the field of bullying is needed - learners, parents, teaching and non teaching staff need to know what bullying is, why children bully and how to react to a bullying situation and also how to create positive situations and how to inspire children to want to live up to the value of UBUNTU.
My wish, my dream and my hope is that every child has a happy learning experience. I hope that, through my work, children feel safe at school, that no child feels marginalised at school, albeit victim, bully or bystander, for no child deserves that. A kind word goes much farther than a harsh word.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu defines UBUNTU as:
"A person with Ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, based from a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed."
The philosophy of UBUNTU places a very high value on human life and promotes mutual understanding rather than punishment, reconciliation rather than estrangement, moving away from confrontation, but rather embracing mediation.
Think of it this way: My pain, is your pain, your wealth is my wealth. Your dignity is dependant upon my dignity and vice versa.
UBUNTU is a core value, around which a solid structure of morals can be built. When we instill this as a core value within children, bullying will ultimately disappear. For it takes one spark to ignite a fire.
This is why UBUNTU is important and relevant to bullying and ultimately eradicating bullying, because healing starts from within. You don't just put a bandage over a wound without examining it first, hoping it merely goes away.
Advocacy work and education in the field of bullying is needed - learners, parents, teaching and non teaching staff need to know what bullying is, why children bully and how to react to a bullying situation and also how to create positive situations and how to inspire children to want to live up to the value of UBUNTU.
My wish, my dream and my hope is that every child has a happy learning experience. I hope that, through my work, children feel safe at school, that no child feels marginalised at school, albeit victim, bully or bystander, for no child deserves that. A kind word goes much farther than a harsh word.
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