You pick up your beautiful child from school only to find him or her less chirpy than usual. Being the amazing parent that you are, you start to gently poke and prod as to what is going on, only to find out that someone, some vile creature, is bullying, no, tormenting, assaulting, your sweet angel. What now? You swear revenge on this louse of course! Nobody dare lay a hand or vile tongue on YOUR baby, no sir. Come the next school day, you wait at the school (you carefully extracted a description of the horrible bully from your darling child) for this bully. Oh, you're going to give this kid a piece of your mind!! Nobody, and you mean nobody will pester your child. You're a good mom and you will not let anybody get away with something so vile. No sir. So you wait, until you spot the perpetrator. You give this little punk a piece of your mind and tell him to never lay a hand on your precious child ever again...or else!
[This child is 9 years old, you are 35] now, what do you think is wrong with this picture? Let me tell you: everything...
First and foremost, I understand the heartache, anger, hurt and frustration parents feel when their children are bullied. I myself do not have children yet but I do have empathy. My own little cousin, as well as my brother were victims of bullying. Every time I am contacted by a mother or a father, I feel these emotions - because no child should be bullied, NO ONE.
We live in a society where violence is the norm - physical, emotional, psychological and verbal violence. People do not check themselves before acting, doing, speaking. Everything goes. This is something we need to address. As adults and as parents, we need to be the ones to take the lead.
Schools in South Africa and the culture within schools are less than desirable, for various reasons. However, it is not an unsolvable problem. Parents can be part of the change and it is not as hard as it may seem. But why should I? Why shouldn't you, you brought your child into this world, it is your responsibility to mold him or her into a morally upstanding citizen, no?
Adults should start modelling proper behaviour. We should start by not being violent in front of children. How? STOP gossiping, STOP swearing, STOP shouting, STOP arguing, STOP putting others down, STOP being negative, STOP getting physical - in front of your child, you are poisoning your child.
How does this relate to giving a bully some of his or her own medicine? Let us dissect the incident real quick. Bullying is all about a power imbalance. A 35 year old scolding a 9 year old in front of others [this person not being his mother] comes down to a power imbalance. Sounds like bullying to me? What would that teach your own child? It teaches your child that it is fair and well to bully your way to a solution. Instead of opening up a proper dialogue or conversation which to my mind makes more sense, you choose to play Rambo and act like a bull in a china shop (which I also have empathy for - but it doesn't make it right). When you are a parent, you have little eyes on you, constantly watching you, learning from what you do, what you say and how you say it. Do you really want your child to sponge up all your bad habits? Do you really want your child to bully others because you can't contain yourself? OF COURSE NOT! That is why you should learn a few skills.
Learn to breathe, yes, breathe...when you are confronted with a situation where your child is being bullied, take a few deep breaths...concentrate on your breathing. For example, when you breathe in, tell yourself, "I am breathing in", when you are exhaling, tell yourself "I am exhaling". This refocuses your mind on your breathing in stead of the incident.
Learn to be solution focused rather than vengeance focused. People are wired differently, some are emotional, some are solvers, some are thinkers - but something that unites most are children. When children get hurt, the ugly comes out. You need to rewire yourself to be focused on a solution to the problem that will benefit your child, NOT in revenge or "teaching that damn bully a lesson", the latter is aimed at venting YOUR frustration, it has nothing to do with your child. Something constructive is in order, something your child can also learn from.
Let us also look at how this may affect that "damned bully" you so courageously reprimanded, shall we? This particular child is now a victim of bullying, you successfully gave him some of his own medicine. He is now a victim. This may have the implication that you as an adult can be held accountable for a myriad of things on a legal basis because you should conduct yourself as an adult, not a schoolyard bully.
How will this affect your child? He will be victimized by others because his mom is a bully.
So what am I saying - don't react? Of course not. I am saying, be smart about it. Calm down before you react. Get the full story from your child, with all the details. Contact the school - YES, you SHOULD, nobody likes a vigilante - leave that to the comic books. Make an appointment and go see his teacher or the principal. They are obliged to address the issue. If they do not, there are other channels you can go through. For more info on this, you can contact me.
Always, ALWAYS remember that you have little eyes on you - your child is watching you! Don't be a bully - be a solver :)
- Annelie -
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