Bully beat down - why this is wrong

You have been bullied, humiliated and broken down.  So what now?  If offered the chance of revenge on your bully - would you take it? Why, or why not?

Your emotions are normal, justifiable and nobody discounts the fact that what happened to you was wrong and unjust.  Nobody has the right to bully or humiliate another person.  What separates us though, is how we react to circumstances or things that happen to us.

I firmly believe that two wrongs don't make a right.

Here are my two cents on the matter of bullying the bully:

Generally our society is very adversarial and focused on punishment.  This is all fair and well but this shifts the focus from the victim to the offender.  My question is thus - what about the victim?  What about what the victim wants?  What about the feelings of the victims?  Why are we so bent on punishing the offenders that we totally discard reparation of the person that got hurt?

We need a lot more victim centered methods of addressing violence.  We need approaches that are not underpinned by vengeance but rather vindication.  Why? Because YOU as a victim deserve to heal.  YOU deserve to move on.  By harboring all that pain, resentment, guilt and negative feelings you do not heal or move on.  Those feelings are not addressed through adversarial methods or by "bullying back your bully" - you might feel good for a moment, but it doesn't solve the problem in the long run.  It will not take away what was done to you, it does NOT address the past.

So what addresses the past?  Why do I hammer on the past?  I am not a spoil sport, I am a big advocate for making a clean break and starting on a clean slate.  How do you do this?  By letting go of excess baggage.  If you open up a dialogue or conversation with your bully for example, you can start this process.  How does this work?  One example of this is a victim impact panel or statement.  What is this?  You tell the bully how his or her actions made you feel.  You tell the bully how his or her actions have impacted upon your life.  The aim of this is twofold: first and foremost to assist your emotional recovery, for you to "download" your feelings.  Second of all the bully needs to hear firsthand from you, why his or her actions were wrong and what impact these actions have and may have if continued.  If this is too traumatic you could also record your statement or write it down to send it to the bully.

Why? Because the bully needs a firsthand account of the impact of his or her bullying behaviour. Why? Because he or she might end up at the receiving end and how would that feel? Moral responsibility is something that comes at a price for some people - after transgressing upon the dignity of others. 

There are some instances where the bullying could have been very severe or traumatizing and you may feel that by engaging with the bully, you will be traumatized again - this is normal, and it is okay to be afraid.  You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  What you shouldn't do, is address your feelings in a negative manner (i.e a "bully beat down" or revenge, or trying to ignore underlying feelings or emotions that were caused by the bullying incident).  There are other ways in which this can be dealt with either through counseling, getting involved with programmes that help other bullying victims (this is aimed at vindication - where you get to see how others heal and you can heal yourself also), conversations and dialogues with various people and perhaps you can even talk to your bully one day (still - it is up to you, of course) :)

Now, let me get into the whole issue of vengeance versus vindication.  When you are vindicated, you get to walk away, no strings, no mess, no fuss.  When you seek revenge, there will be consequences, sometimes physical, psychological and more often than not legal too.  Does this seem fair?  No, not really.  Who started all of this?  The bully - of course!  Who finished it?  You did.  Why?  Because you wanted to let the bully know that you are not weak, that you will not stand for his/her disrespect, that you have had it with their maltreatment and that you are taking a stand.  These are honorable reasons - but you could have approached it differently.  You see, vengeance and vindication are NOT the same thing.  You should seek vindication rather than vengeance.  You shouldn't seek to stoop to the level of your persecutors to prove a point but rather aim to help them up on to your level because the view is much nicer.  Do it not for the bully, but for yourself, because YOU deserve better!

Bullying someone is never OK - bullying someone back is even worse, because you as a victim ought to know better.  You as a victim ought to be a voice for the voiceless and you should take a positive stand, one which is void of violence.

Why is a bully beat down wrong?

Because it turns the victim into a bully, and the cycle goes on...it doesn't address the issue and the violence continues.  Ask yourself, do you want to be that person?  Or do you want to set the example?